My current situation, its 8.00am Sunday morning as I write this. It’s already 28 degrees and it’s going to creep to a somewhat hot 39 degrees today. I have one of my infamous morning rituals next to me – coffee! Candle burning, Lorde playing on my boom box and I’m contemplating what muscle group I want to train at the gym this morning… I would love to be one of those peeps that can sleep until 10am but my Saturday night was somewhat subdued and I’m not one to lie around and relax too often (unless I’m hungover or need to be human free & want to lock myself in my house with Netflix for a month)
I’ve started working on a bit of a project this weekend – myself. I was listening to my favorite podcast last week and I geeked out on an episode with a dude called Jordan Peterson. He spoke about this concept called Self Authoring and just because this whole oversharing blog concept I have going on right now is somewhat liberating, I thought why not let’s purchase this bad boy and give it a go! (My version of living dangerously momentarily, it’s been a quiet start to the year and I’m still trying to work on this work/life balance?!)
I’m starting by reflecting on the present moment and it allows you to choose your dominating characteristics and write solidly about the pros and cons for each one (about 3 hours all up, but I’m breaking it up) You can work through your past and future, while eliminating all of your hang ups and will hopefully lead to more successful goal setting. Blah, Blah, Blah go check it out for yourself if it sounds like you.
After that very elaborate introduction, I started on it yesterday. Gees I didn’t realize how much of a hangup I had on certain parts of my life stemming back from 10+ years. But also how many elements of myself I take for granted because it’s just who I am.
For example, I will take any opportunity to help someone if they are seeking information on health and wellness. (Don’t worry my preaching days are long gone) And I’m not talking about the kind of help where I’m feeding information down someone’s throat, with multiple website links, articles & giving them hour long lectures. More like a small dose of knowledge to get them thinking and then if they choose to find out more, they’ll either hit me up or jump on google for an information stalk.
But I suppose I’ve also been contemplating, what was the defining moment that brought me here. I previously wrote about how some of my most confronting moments did play a part. But there’s definitely more…
Was it when I moved to Australia 11 years ago & in true K fashion, I packed up my life, abandoned everyone I loved & was waving goodbye 3 weeks later. Or that as a vivacious teenager I had zest for life, was unapologetically myself and fell in love often (now I struggle with initiating a date with an adequate male counterpart) Was it that I almost got married once & like some defining moments it just wasn’t my time (Shoutout to Woody for not only putting up with my indecisiveness & shit but also being a true friend through it all). Was it that time in my career where I was given feedback that made me question who I was as a person and I embarked on a stint of trying to be someone at work that I wasn’t. That I did get my heart broken by someone like 6 years younger than me (never a good idea), then fell in love with my best friend for a moment. Or that becoming a hermit on the Gold Coast and entering a fitness model comp may change my opinion of myself and the body hang ups I once had. Or that I finally decided to forgive my ever so absent father from my life, after 11 years of pretending he didn’t exist.
Reflecting on everything, sparks memories. Some I wish never happened and some I continue to relive, because they are too damn wondrous not too. I’ve met some f*ckn incredible people on this journey. And on reflection of all of this I’ve taken away the following…
My friends, I f*cken adore each and every one of you! Thank you for making the best memories with me. Taking a chance with this crazy NZ kid and letting her into your lives (For my Aussie mains). Thank you for your endless chit chats, putting up with my obsessive compulsive disorder in finding out who I am, supporting me through broken bones, being kicked out of the club/s, laughing at my dance moves (they only come out when I am past the point of no return), eating pizza for breakfast with me, talking me out of facial tattoos (I had this great idea for a fleeting second), not calling the police when I failed to return to a Vegas hotel room after almost a solid 24 hours since last contact, gym musings, long walks and talks about life, packing your bags & getting on a plane with me, feeding me at family dinner and most of all just being there, as each of you are amazing humans and I wouldn’t trade any of you for anything.
Part II – I miss living so carefree, does everyone get like this as they get older? I miss making rash decisions (that I regret later), I miss drinking until the sunrises (but definitely not the 3 day hangover), I miss having a not so perfect house (I have time to keep my bachelorette pad clean these days), I miss making extremely bad fashion choices (goodbye neon crop tops). But most of all I miss being me.
9 years of change, has brought me so many positives but it’s also brought so much time to reflect. But this isn’t all doom and gloom like it was going to sound by my last sentence above. After all of these musings, finally the K I’ve missed has been making an appearance these last few months. Maybe not in the ‘broken bones/missing in vegas’ kind of fashion, but the carefreeness, impromptu decisions & just having a desire to do crazy stuff. Knowing that times are a changing and not knowing what tomorrow may bring is exciting.
I need a new motto, I haven’t decided on what that is yet but for now I’ll go with Spiritual Gangster because it sounds dope.
So I’m switching Lorde off, putting on some rap caviar and heading to the gym because that’s who I am… 1 extreme to the other.
Chick Chick Boom.