For the majority of my life, I’ve been working towards trying to be perfect.
Trying to be the perfect daughter, a perfect friend, the perfect work colleague, a perfect tenant, at times the perfect girlfriend (not really), I even tried to be the perfect fiancé once. I’ve also tried to live in a perfect area, have a well maintained perfect house, try and buy the perfect clothes, shoes or bags, or even give the most perfect advice. I’ve tried to plan my life – so it was perfect, I’ve tried perfect meal preparation and counting all of my calories and macros, worked out beyond my limits to justify to myself I am perfect and made decisions in haste because once again, I’ve been chasing perfection.
If I’ve learnt anything, perfection doesn’t exist and if it did…I wouldn’t want it anyway.
What happened to enjoying a mediocre life? One full of imperfections, roadblocks and challenging times that made you question your existence. Or the obstacles you face, that divert you on a completely different journey and throughout it all, you most certainly ended up where you were supposed to.
Lately I’ve started to question the restraints I’ve put on myself in achieving perfection. Like asking myself questions like, ‘does this really matter?’ and ‘what if?’
Now I must add I’m not ready to call it quits and become one sloppy individual, inclusive of not pulling myself together to leave the house, completing what needs to be done at work or working towards some of my goals. I choose to still work towards my current dreams and aspirations but with a little less pressure and damn does it feel good.
So what brought me to this point?
Failure? Pressure? Reflection? Struggle?
All I can say is I had to hit rock bottom first, before I could stand back up.
The last two years from my perspective I’ve given a lot to my career. I gave up my personal life, freedom, my health, stability and traded feeling comfortable, to right out of my comfort zone. Because I was chasing perfection, right?
At the beginning of 2017, right around the time when I embarked on writing and constructing my blog, I started to internally work out what I would need to change to achieve my best life. (Or the one I fantasized over on many occasions)
Two months later I was no better off, further from my goals, clinging on for dear life that a drop of hope was around the corner and perfection may just pull me through.
The one thing about being a crazy Virgo is your strengths can also be your biggest downfalls. Cue Virgo characteristics from an Urban List Blog Post:
Now I’m not ready to dress up as a detective and start solving mysteries, as much as I would love to at times (considering I have an obsession with true crime documentaries and have exhausted all of my options on Netflix currently 🔪)
I have however, had to take a long hard look in the mirror and take my perfection hat off and put my practical pants on.
Back to those two month later (above) I made the decision and resigned from my job. I couldn’t see up, let alone out. I was redlining every day, giving it my all, sinking (not swimming) and I had to take that perfection hat off. Resigning allowed me to lift one heavy weight off my shoulders, but was the weight put on by my job or did I put the weight on myself?
All I can say is sometimes you have to chuck in the towel to see your way out.
Two weeks ago, circumstances changed, the weight was off my shoulders, I could see clearly and it was time to look at my life practically. (No more fantasizing about selling juice, burning incense and smelling like patchouli – that’s another story for another post)
What I love about my 9-5 is endless but like everything you have to take the good with the bad.
I’ve decided to stay on my current path (retracted that resignation, it felt like it went on forever. Mind you I was 3 months into it), take a long and well deserved holiday (1 whole month, come at me baby), reassess my time at work and study hard to keep my mind hungry. Plus I couldn’t of done any of this without one fierce leader, I have the absolute pleasure of working with every day. A.H. is worth every ounce of the mention.
I know there will be a learning from all of this, but I’m yet to find it. What I do know though, is with every step I take I’m learning something new about myself and I’m cool with that.
I’m not perfect and I don’t think I’ve ever been. But I don’t really care anymore as perfection is overrated.
I’d trade perfect any day for f*ckn disastrously fabulous.